Tag Archives: TTC

What Not to Ask Your Doula

There are many lists and resource guides about what to ask your prospective doula when you interview her. I’ve even included a post here about asking whether or not your doula can help you apply for reimbursement from your insurance company for her services. I can’t say that I’ve seen any lists advising parents what not to ask their doula, however. I’m happy to have the honor (grin).

Every woman comes to her birth filled with experienes that have gotten her to this point. Because of her experiences, she expects her birth, and conversely, her birth team, to pan out in a particular fashion. Birth plans are an important part of birth that are often overlooked, and I can’t think of one doula that I know that doesn’t promote them in some way. Women also want the members of their birth team to have a certain level of experience, whether professional, personal or both. For some women, that means being surrounded solely by other women. For others, it means hiring a doula that has attended a certain amount of births. Still, there are many women who prefer to hire a doula that has labored and given birth herself. These are all valid desires. Birth is an extremely vulnerable situation, and a woman absolutely deserves to have her needs met during labor.

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Part of our training as doulas includes effective communication. We learn to be aware of our facial expressions so we don’t offend clients as they share personal information. We learn to be active listeners so that, even if we have given birth ourselves, we allow our clients to have their own experiences. We even learn to keep our own tempers under control when something happens that would, under different circumstances, drive us crazy.

So, why this post? It’s been my experience that women who are TTC form bonds and support each other through the turmoil. However, it’s also been my experience that women with successful pregancies sometimes forget (and rightfully so!) the ups and downs they’ve shared with their sisters in the struggle for what, for some, has been years. Pregnant women have graduated TTC college, and have every right to enjoy their pregnancies with other pregnant women. Along with that, they have every right to want a doula who has experienced pregnancy and labor herself. But mamas, please consider the following.

A childless doula may not have children because she simply doesn’t want any. The doula you’re interviewing may not be able to conceive. The lovely woman sitting across from you at the coffee house as you feel out her qualifications may be overcoming the heartache of a miscarriage. She may be a single woman who wants children, but can’t afford artificial insemination or IVF. The woman who scores high in every area on your checklist except for whether or not she has children may have given birth to a baby that didn’t survive.

Does this mean you should stop caring about whether or not your doula has children? Absolutely not! Your desires are yours, and you deserve to have your needs met by all means. Do continue to ask ask, “Do you have chidren?,” as you interview. Please do not ask, “So, why don’t you have kids?” It may seem like a harmless question, but it’s one that could have devastating effects on a doula who planned to have a lovely afternoon chatting with you.

Preconception Planning III: More Trying and Less Conceiving

TTC can be the most emotional time of a woman’s life, especially when trying for several cycles. The moment your uterus begins to shed its lining you feel that nature has betrayed you. For some, it feels as deeply as the loss of a child.

We’ve all memorized Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and know by heart which links to click on Mayoclinic.com. We can read basal body thermometers in the dark, and chart temperatures with our eyes closed. And when we realize that we touch our cervixes more frequently than scratching our noses, it’s clear that we’re experts in knowing what’s going on with our bodies to recognize ovulation signs.

There’s advice about the best time to take your temperature, how often you should check cervical mucus (CM), how to interpret your charts, and the best time of day to use an ovulation predictor kit (OPK). But what happens when these things aren’t coming together like the beautiful celestial chart that they’re supposed to form? Shouldn’t these methods be fool proof?

Here’s what you don’t get along with the advice: not every woman has egg white cervical mucus (EWCM), and the OPK may not detect your hormone levels clearly.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to begin charting your temperature months before you begin actively TTC, especially if your cycle isn’t very predictable (I hate to think of my cycle as irregular!). Become comfortable with analyzing your charts, and seek expert help when things don’t make sense to you. Pay attention to the moistness of your vulva the days following menstruation, and try to notice whether or not you feel any slight cramps the more moist you become (without stimulation). Before you know it, you’ll be able to feel your body releasing an egg (or two!).

Learn to differentiate between your own CM. Recognize that as your body matures your CM can change (I haven’t had EWCM since my early twenties!). Some women go from dry, to watery to creamy and never experience sticky or EWCM. Some women go from dry, to watery, to EWCM, to creamy then sticky. Some women’s bodies may do something different all together. If you’ve been paying attention to your body for months before trying, you’ll know your cycle and won’t be waiting for EWCM when watery may be your ovulation sign.

Practice peeing on different brands of OPKs. You may notice that as you approach ovulation a faint pink line appears, grows darker over the course of the next 3-4 days, but never quite matches the test line. Does that mean you’re not ovulating? It could mean a number of things, and you should speak to a specialist to help you understand what’s going on. Some women never match the test line, and the faint line is their ovulation sign. I’ve only tested positive once with an OPK, and the positive result appeared after my temperature had already spiked. Go figure!

Sometimes we end up trying so much (unsuccessfully) because we aren’t interpreting our signs accurately. Sometimes we don’t trust our bodies enough to believe what they’re telling us instead of an OPK or someone else’s assessment. There are also times when this isn’t so cut and dry, and that may be a sign of something else going on. It can be hard to stay positive when you try cycle after cycle, especially when it seems like people around us get pregnant without even trying. But staying positive is a must!

Here’s to more conceiving after so much trying.