Tag Archives: empowerment

“Mother is Worthy to be Praised”

This Memorial Day Weekend I went to see Dance Africa at the Brooklyn Academy of Music.  As usual, the dances were amazing.  What stood out to me most, though, wasn’t the dancing at all.  Through the clapping, shouting and audience participation, I noticed the stretchmarks on one of the dancer’s bellies.  Things suddenly began to move in slow motion for me, almost like when Maria and Tony see each other at the dance in West Side Story.

I realized that I was watching a mother, and suddently felt some cosmic connection to her.  I began to wonder whether her children were in the audience, how old they were, or if any were possibly sharing the stage.  I wondered how she was able to find time to do something so magnificent with herself while conducting a family.  I wondered whether or not she raised her children, or if they knew how talented their mother is.

At the end of the show I stood in applause. Of course, the round was for all of the dancers, musicians and singers who graced the stage.  There was, however, a special beat in my heart in praise of the woman I had identified as a mother.  I’m sure she wasn’t the only mother on the stage.  In fact, the audienced was sprinkled with mothers holding small – and not so small – children.  If I was surrounded by mothers, what made this one so different?

During a time where it’s almost impossible to watch television for an hour without a cocoa butter or other stretch creme commercial promising to help women either prevent or erase their stretch marks, I found it amazing that this mother proudly bore the marks of her birth(s).  Just as waist beads, hair style, or jewelry denote status and rites of passage for women in traditional African cultures, so, too, do stretch marks. 

Watching this mother’s belly flap to and fro across the stage brought me back to the precious moments immediately following birth where a woman bonds with her baby face to face for the first time, and took me to the moment that I observe in so many women when they realize their bodies have undergone an amazing change; she not only birthed her baby, but she birthed her motherhood as well.  So, I stood and clapped that Monday afternoon in praise of motherhood.

These last few days I’ve been in reflection mode.  In reviewing both business and personal goals, the one thing that keeps coming back is the Yoruba proverb that’s the inspiration for my doula practice:

Oria bi iya ko si, iya la ba ma a bo

There is no Orisha like mother, it is mother who is worthy to be praised.

Praise mothers.  Praise them for the weeks they carry and nurture their children in waiting.  Praise them for the sleepness nights they endure for so many years of their lives.  Praise them for the decisions they make that often leave them holding the shortest stick in the bunch.  Praise mothers, simply because they are worthy to be praised.

Preconception Planning III: More Trying and Less Conceiving

TTC can be the most emotional time of a woman’s life, especially when trying for several cycles. The moment your uterus begins to shed its lining you feel that nature has betrayed you. For some, it feels as deeply as the loss of a child.

We’ve all memorized Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and know by heart which links to click on Mayoclinic.com. We can read basal body thermometers in the dark, and chart temperatures with our eyes closed. And when we realize that we touch our cervixes more frequently than scratching our noses, it’s clear that we’re experts in knowing what’s going on with our bodies to recognize ovulation signs.

There’s advice about the best time to take your temperature, how often you should check cervical mucus (CM), how to interpret your charts, and the best time of day to use an ovulation predictor kit (OPK). But what happens when these things aren’t coming together like the beautiful celestial chart that they’re supposed to form? Shouldn’t these methods be fool proof?

Here’s what you don’t get along with the advice: not every woman has egg white cervical mucus (EWCM), and the OPK may not detect your hormone levels clearly.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to begin charting your temperature months before you begin actively TTC, especially if your cycle isn’t very predictable (I hate to think of my cycle as irregular!). Become comfortable with analyzing your charts, and seek expert help when things don’t make sense to you. Pay attention to the moistness of your vulva the days following menstruation, and try to notice whether or not you feel any slight cramps the more moist you become (without stimulation). Before you know it, you’ll be able to feel your body releasing an egg (or two!).

Learn to differentiate between your own CM. Recognize that as your body matures your CM can change (I haven’t had EWCM since my early twenties!). Some women go from dry, to watery to creamy and never experience sticky or EWCM. Some women go from dry, to watery, to EWCM, to creamy then sticky. Some women’s bodies may do something different all together. If you’ve been paying attention to your body for months before trying, you’ll know your cycle and won’t be waiting for EWCM when watery may be your ovulation sign.

Practice peeing on different brands of OPKs. You may notice that as you approach ovulation a faint pink line appears, grows darker over the course of the next 3-4 days, but never quite matches the test line. Does that mean you’re not ovulating? It could mean a number of things, and you should speak to a specialist to help you understand what’s going on. Some women never match the test line, and the faint line is their ovulation sign. I’ve only tested positive once with an OPK, and the positive result appeared after my temperature had already spiked. Go figure!

Sometimes we end up trying so much (unsuccessfully) because we aren’t interpreting our signs accurately. Sometimes we don’t trust our bodies enough to believe what they’re telling us instead of an OPK or someone else’s assessment. There are also times when this isn’t so cut and dry, and that may be a sign of something else going on. It can be hard to stay positive when you try cycle after cycle, especially when it seems like people around us get pregnant without even trying. But staying positive is a must!

Here’s to more conceiving after so much trying.

Don’t Give Your Voice Away, Not Even to Me

Every once in a while during a consultation a mom will ask me, “…and you’ll be able to speak to the hospital staff for me, right?” In response, I smile and tell her that I do not speak for her, but rather show her how to advocate for herself and her baby.

Communication is key in everything we do. Sometimes, as women, our voices have been silenced – by our families, society at large and even by our partners. Someone often thinks they know better than we do, and can show us the best way to handle a situation. A lifetime of learned helplessness doesn’t vanish when we become pregnant. If anything, our insecurities are multiplied. We learn to distrust our instincts and our bodies.

What does mom need to speak up about?

I always tell moms to research any information they’re given, even when it’s coming from me. All too often, we listen to “experts” without using our critical minds to question what’s being said. We spend more time researching the kind of car we want to buy than we do research regarding our health and wellbeing. It’s important for moms to question and ask for more information from their care providers, because care providers often turn questions into statements or commands.

For example, “I’m going to break your water now, because this will really help things get going.”

This should be a question: “You’ve been at 7 centimeters for 5 hours now. I think breaking your water will help to speed things up. What do you think about that?”

See how the latter asks mom for her input? She even has a chance to decline. The former, on the other hand, leaves no room for discussion. This is where mom has to feel empowered enough to advocate for herself. She could stop and ask for more information – risks vs. benefits. She could also ask what other interventions, if any, the recommended intervention may lead to. Breaking the sac before mom is 10 centimeters often leads to a fetal scalp monitor, an intrauterine pressure catheter and a foley catheter to channel urination. These interventions are often left out when the care provider walks in with a smile ready to rupture your membranes.

Why can’t the doula ask these questions?

There are some doulas who offer to speak for their clients. I think that’s just as much of an injustice as the rest of the world taking away a woman’s voice. The issue with asking or expecting your doula to speak for you is simply that she isn’t you! You run the risk of turning your experience into someone else’s when you give up your voice. You may be opening the door to allow your doula to relive her own birth experience through you. You create an atmosphere where it’s possible to not have your best birth when you give up your voice. If you relinquish your voice during labor, with what voice do you plan on raising your child?

So what do I do?

During your prenatal visits with your doula, ask her to help you role play different scenarios. Start simple with things like drinking and going to the bathroom, to more complex like negotiating interventions and holding your baby. Create code words with your doula so she knows if you need help making a decision (and by help I don’t mean the, “What would you do?” kind of help – but asking the doula for more information about a topic to help you make your own decision). Write a birth plan so you can see on paper what you’re expecting from your birth. Use your birth plan to ask questions of your care provider during prenatal appointments so you have clarity before you go into labor.

Don’t be passive-aggressive about your desires, discuss them upfront. I’ve seen too many moms simply email their birth plan, or bring it to the hospital while in labor; these types of plans often go unread, and mom is displeased with her birth experience. Your care provider works for you! Have the necessary proactive conversations before you go into labor. You should also register for an out of the hospital childbirth education series to help you resolve communication issues.

“Birth is powerful, let it empower you.” author unknown